My near future. The Air Force Residency Match, an unusually complicated process that involves military residency program directors in some secret location where they decide our fate, has come and gone. I did not "Match" to my preferred specialty, or rather I was not selected for any further Residency training at this time. My professional career towards becoming a residency trained Radiologist is dashed for the next few years. I do not know for sure what will happen next. I have a rough idea that I will have to be "Medically Boarded" again to determine if I am clear to be on Active Duty and also, Deployable. I was medically cleared with a waiver for my left leg/knee limitations for Residency training on an Active Duty (AD) Air Force Base, not for "real" AD. This state of limbo has been plaguing me since 2007 shortly after my accident. Even then I was not provided with any definitive answers from the Air Force. They kept me in a holding pattern, and I'm still circling the Tower running on fumes waiting...
So, it is either no medical clearance, receive a Medical Discharge and be held responsible for paying back my full Air Force Medical School Scholarship or, I receive a waiver and medical clearance and go on AD as a GMO (general medical officer, or rather a primary care physician for military members and their families) at some AF Base in the US for a minimum of 2-years yet most likely 4-years. I'm going to be 34 y/o after I finish my current Medicine Internship. Add 4 years, that will put me at 38 y/o by the time I start my full residency training. I'll be in my early 40's by the time I finally enter practice as a board certified/residency trained physician. Mind you that's still young-ish, just not congruent with my ideal career path. However, I definitely feel things happen for a reason, maybe I'm meant to continue on my circuitous path towards my ultimate career goals. Only time will tell.
The same day I received the AF Match results, I learned me Grandfather was hospitalized yet again. This time for a nasty health care acquired pneumonia and congestive heart failure. I left Pittsfield for Saratoga Springs as soon as I heard. The drive was not pleasant for me as I was still numb from the Match results and upset at the prospect that this could be my Gramps final hospitalization. He's been giving up ever since my Grams died back in August. The vision of her dying right before our eyes as we held her hands in our own continues to haunt me. Even more so now that my guard is down, my armor is compromised by recent events. I need to reassess. To take a step back and reflect. To cope and accept what I cannot change. It is easier to say this happened for a reason and not stress out or allow these events trouble me, than it is to embrace this approach/coping strategy.
This is the first Holiday Season without my Grams, so far it is not very easy. Thankfully, my Gramps is slowly improving, my wife and children are happy and healthy, and I'm on vacation! I just need to get through the next few months, to continue to help my Gramps as best I can, and be present for my family. I won't be able to truly accomplish this unless I take care of myself first. Therein lies the challenge...just keep swimming right?
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