Transitions

No, I'm not referring to the eyewear.

I am currently in a transitional state. My internship year ended a week ago. I'm 1-week into my vacation and 1-week away from my family and I starting the next chapter in our life together. We made some wonderful connections in the past couple of years since graduating from medical school. A lot of life-changing events as well. Rory was born. I left my surgical internship. My grandmother was placed in long term care. I worked at my old Apple store in between residency's. Completed a Tough Mudder, and, watched my grandmother die right before my eyes. I witnessed my grandfather's experiences on death's doorstep and how his unwavering sense of humor has carried him through his many plights.

Gramps is at a point now where he no longer needs nursing home level of care. Also, he wants to live out his last days at home in Saratoga Springs where his wife of 64 years passed away last summer. I cannot fault him for his decision nor can I, in good conscience, forbid him from making this choice. He does not want to live in another facility in Nebraska, 1300-miles away from his home and his wife's remains. He wants to be at peace in the winter of his life. I would want the same for myself. Therefore, I have decided to help him return to our home in Saratoga Springs where he can live out the rest of his life, cared for by two of the most generous and caring personal care assistants who cared for my grandmother in her last days on this planet. It is not an easy decision to live with, however, it is the simplest and most logical course of action. The path of least resistance.

Transitional periods can be challenging. They can bring out the best and the worst in us. Recognizing this is also a challenge as the tug-of-war between embracing the change by nurturing established relationships, connections, etc, may shift towards discrediting them, or projecting negative emotions onto them as a means to protect ourselves from the onslaught of emotions. Or, as a way to justify avoiding the inevitable "goodbye".

I find myself shrouded in a mixed cloud of emotions. I've been pulled in many directions as of late and yet, my only foundation is/are my wife and children. Yet, I feel like I've dragged them into the void with me. Our relationships with each other are strained. Especially our 5-year old. She is taking this much harder than we anticipated. All I've been able to do is embrace the positives, try to ignore the negatives with her, and reassure her that this is all temporary and in time shall pass.

Frustration is putting it lightly. There are times I am mad, sad, and then glad to be moving on. Mad that I cannot make everyone involved with this huge transition happy. Sad to be leaving out dearest family and friends. Sad to be leaving my fellow colleagues I've come to love and cherish. Glad to see us all moving on in our careers, on to bigger and better things. Glad I can start anew with my wife and children. Glad of the opportunities in front of us. Acknowledging these emotions and embracing them. Channeling the negative into positive energy to help us transition from one state to another (both literally and figuratively speaking).