The Anniversary Effect

Anniversary: the annual recurrence of a notable event. derived from  the Middle English word Middle anniversarie, from Medieval Latin anniversarium, from Latin, neuter of anniversarius returning annually, from annus year + versus, past participle of vertere to turn. (Merriam-Webster online)

         I have experienced Anniversary Effects nee Reactions for several years. What is this phenomenon you ask? Let me enlighten you. In psychological terms it is a series of unsettling emotions, feelings, thoughts or memories that manifest upon the anniversary of a significant experience/event. A common reaction among those who have suffered a loss. The first time I experienced this effect was on the anniversary of my bicycle vs SUV accident in September 2008. So much has happened since then that I can barely recall the extent of my somatoemotional reactions at this time. Quite possibly an indication of how I have grown, how I have moved beyond the emotional trauma associated with that horrific blip on my timeline.

        My grandmother passed away right before my eyes on 24 August 2012. Less than a year later I had graduated from my Osteopathic/Internal Medicine Rotating Internship, packed up my family, and hit the road for Omaha (somewhere in middle America). It was right around that time, 29 June 2013 to be exact, I saw my grandfather alive for the last time. His visage was solemn, almost as if he knew deep down in his heart that it would be the last time we would see each other, the last time we would embrace, the last time we would be able laugh together. Sadly, my memories of that day are grim. Not because of my grandfather, but because of my behaviors that day and in the preceding 48-hours. I was angry at the situation he put himself, me, my family, and his caregivers in at that specific ripple in time. However, I was not angry at him or angry with him, yet, I'm haunted by the uncertainty of his assessment of the situation. He passed away on 14 July 2013, 3-days after I had placed him on Hospice, 3-days after my birthday. My first birthday in Omaha, Nebraska.

         My gut tells me he knew my feelings were not directed at him, just the quagmire we had found ourselves in. Or so, I hope. I will never truly know the answer. Regardless, I processed through these feelings last summer just in time to reflect upon my grandmother's death on the annum of her passing. The emotions surrounding her death percolated to the surface over the course of a week. Sleep was delayed, interrupted, and poor for several nights. My ability to concentrate was blunted, I had no interest in doing anything enjoyable (anhedonia in medical jargon), I was depressed as I relived/replayed her death on a painful loop in my mind. Anything could and did trigger these emotions. Smells that triggered memories of my childhood. Gorgeous sunsets that made me reminisce of summertime cookouts with my grandparents in our backyard. A slight whoosh of crisp air through the trees along with the smell of rain after a thunderstorm. My grandmother inspired me to embrace the outdoors, the splendor of Mother Nature's beauty.

         I tried to write a letter addressed to her in my journal to allay some of my internal turmoil, to minimal effect. By 24 August 2013, the actual anniversary of her passing, I was beside myself. The way I mitigated my melancholia was by distracting myself with positive experiences. This entailed exploring a local beer festival with some new friends I had made from my flight surgeon training class, as well as going for a nice walk outside in nature where I reminisced upon happy memories of my grandmother, and sharing a short but sweet videochat with my wife and children. When I awoke the next day, 25 August, I felt right as rain, almost as if the anniversary reaction had never happened.

         Based on these experiences, I attempted to pre-process and prepare myself for the anniversary of my grandfather's death. I knew it would not be an easy undertaking for several reasons. One, I had a lot on my plate with work, family, and my grandfather's estate, not to mention my own physical health. Two, reliving those last moments he and I shared together had begun to elicit a visceral response in addition to emotional confusion. 29 June 2014, my latest anniversary reaction began and persisted until 15 July 2014. There were several days in there that should have been happy, joyous occasions with family and friends. Sadly, this was not the case, despite my best efforts. I dreaded my birthday. I felt wounded by these memories of my grandfather's death. Memories were triggered by mundane things. While looking at a traffic light, I could see his face. In between seeing patients in clinic I could recall the feel of his arthritic hand in mine as we shared our last embrace when we parted ways for the last time ever on this mortal plane. These sensory experiences were so powerful, so moving, I struggled to keep the emotional floodgates closed.

         When I woke up on the 15th of July, again, it was if nothing happened. I felt like my usual self. No feelings of guilt, no melancholia, just positive energy and mental clarity to tackle the my daily routine as if nothing had happened. It was if my system rebooted and reinstalled a new version of itself, just like last year. As I finish this story nearly 2-months have passed, another anniversary of my grandmother's death has come and gone (the 2nd anniversary to be exact), and guiltily, I am happy to say that I made it through this anniversary nearly unfazed. I am okay with that, not because I disrespect her memories, but quite the contrary. I believe it is time to work on keeping memories of her, and of my grandfather alive in me and my family, by continuing our narrative as we transition into the next chapter of our family's story, our heritage.